If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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