we're chasing vodka with high fives
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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