I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
