the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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