I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
