His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
