I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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