hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
That was an excessively violent trivia night
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I supernannyed him into submission
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize