Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
