i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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