I'm jealous of your bromance
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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