We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
