Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
