we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
