seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
