how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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