Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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