I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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