he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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