even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
