been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize