we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize