Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
