Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
