Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
