I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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