Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
