Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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