Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
