ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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