plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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