i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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