I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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