Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
