no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
