Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
