she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
