i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
