Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
