So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
