how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize