Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just gift wrapped bread.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
