you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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