Me. At least after what I've been through.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
