You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
