i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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