he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
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