My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize