shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
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