I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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