Got a toothbrush?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
you had me at cake vodka
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
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