I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
