So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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