i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
