I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
