I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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