If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
