Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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