Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
