i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
