While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
